Ideomancer - March Issue

Ideomancer is a long running online 'zine that switched to a quarterly format when Marsha Sisolak took over as publisher. One side note before the review - I'd prefer that the author notes/bio be placed at the end of the story as is more traditional in online publications as their prescence at the start of the story was distracting and I'd rather come into the stories clean, without any preconceptions added by the author.

In the author notes for "Murder in Candyland", Wade Albert White says that the story was originally intended to be an homage to Sherlock Holmes, but I would say the end result is really in the noir detective tradition.

The story opens:

So there I was, drinking myself into an early grave, when she walked in my door. Tall, blonde, and plenty of attitude. Called herself Goldie Locks. Told me she was on the run from some two-bit thugs known as the Ursa Triad. It sounded pretty small time to me, but I hadn't had a case in over a month and cash was tight.

The jokes are generally amusing and the voice is spot on, but it is marred at times by vague language that is perhaps trying to be amusing, but doesn't quite work:

Clearly someone had been looking for a certain something, probably the same something I was looking for, a something I didn't think they'd found.

There is an unfortunate mention of recipes for sweetbreads in this scene, which has me thinking of nasty, nasty organ meats rather than cookies.

White also has a tendency sacrifice pacing for jokes, evidenced in a string of one-liners about Little Red Riding Hood, Georgie Porgie and the gingerbread man. Here, I think less would have been more, and generally a little less touring of Candyland would have tightened the story immensely. But the plot is fun and clever, and many of the jokes are grin-worthy.

Perfect Freak by E. N. Wilson seems to be partly inspired by some rock stars' penchant for hiring the odd and the unusual to compliment their bands (see Kid Rock and Joe C.), and as such the story doesn't feel particularly innovative. The other main concept in this story, plastic surgery gone wild has been explored many times in the movies, from Lookerand Death Becomes Her, and of course, most recently in print by Scott Westerfeld in his Uglies series. Still, Wilson is able to charm an engaging story out of these well-worn concepts.

The nameless husband and wife are vapid, and while she is more obsessed with her appearance and plastic surgery, they both are firm believers in the beautiful economy and keeping up with the Joneses. Though, at times, there are cracks in the husband's façade:

"All right, I'll have the tuck. Just remind me the day before." Remembering his father's laugh lines, he asked, "Do you ever wonder what you would look like without surgery?"

She laughed and shuddered. "Only in my nightmares. Can you imagine? Growing old and wrinkled while everyone around you looks young and beautiful? No, thank you.

There is sadness and desperation throughout, emphasized by the repetitiveness of the scenes. For a moment, when the nameless husband is fascinated by a bearded woman and wants to touch her hair, I thought this story was going to go some place dark and interesting. Towards the end Wilson comes back to this note, that the grotesques are the only ones who are able to keep their identity and to accept themselves.

Ultimately, I found myself thinking of every teen movie where the hot boy decides he likes the quirky, but less attractive girl instead of the perfect one. I enjoyed this story, but at the same time found myself wishing for more.

"Chasing the Sun" by Mark P. Morehead attempts to be story wrapped around a fight, but ultimately it is such a jumbled collection of thoughts that the world never gains coherence. I found myself not believing in this mining world where allegedly winning 100 fights will be a ticket to freedom. The pit seems to be throwback to those gladiator-type movies, and ultimately there is a bit of an "I'm Spartacus" type moment where the fighter chooses to be free in the only manner he can. For me, Morehead was attempting to pull the story strings too hard, so the moment when we are supposed to empathize with his choice didn't work for me. (I am uncertain why this story was characterized as slipstream when it seems to be straight up science fiction.)

"Bee Thee Like Children" by Samuel Minier started off like it was going to be one of those Alzheimer's stories that I've certainly had more than enough of, but then it zags when I expect a zig:

When Gary opened the door, his father's head swung toward the sound like a chunk of wood suspended from a string. That head was three times the size it'd been when Gary had started making the soup.

The swollen cheeks and forehead had stretched the old man's wrinkles to a shiny pink tallow. Eyes like bright, buried marbles stared out from the hydrocephalic depths, their gaze as unstable as the rest of the teetering body. His suddenly-too-plump legs strained the bed rails with rolls of baby fat.

Gary's father had Cherubed.

This story is funny and gross and horrifying. I was utterly fascinated with the cherubs, both as a phenomenon and Frank, the ill father turned grotesque. To Amy, Frank is a gift from God; to Gary, he is a horror. But there is also a deeper story here, one where one partner in a couple wants a child and the other has given up, and the divide that causes:

Gary hadn't heard anything beyond the proclamation that he had always wanted a child. At one time, like some many other things in his life, that may have been true. But after all the tests, the fertility medicines, the miscarriages . . . Gary had finally found acceptance in belief. Belief that some things were not meant to be.

His wife, Amy never achieves such an acceptance, and when Gary's father becomes a cherub, she is blinded by joy. So much so that she never notices his massively soiled diaper-an image that just said so much: while their church was celebrating the miracle, they didn't tend to the cherub's basic need. Minier skewers some of the less endearing qualities of organized religion throughout, but the real story is in the relationship divide, and Gary's horror at what his father has become.

The ending is disturbing and fitting-Minier straddles well the line of humor and horror. I found this the best story of the issue.